Just heartbroken.

October 25, 2020October 25, 2020 Toni GabryLeave a comment

Since my last post lot has happened. I’ll start from where I left off last time. I went in for a few more scans and they ended up seeing a total of 17 eggs. I knew all of these were not completely mature and they’d end up retrieving less than this but I was so hopeful that we were looking at retrieving a decent amount. I triggered on Friday October 2nd and my egg retrieval was scheduled for Sunday October 4th. We stayed the night in the city on that Saturday and enjoyed an amazing dinner out together.

Dinner at The Smith the night before my egg retrieval

We woke up Sunday morning and drove to the FCI location in River North. I was so sad that Brandon couldn’t be there with me and I was scared to go under anesthesia without anyone there when I woke up but there was nothing I could do about it and these eggs needed to get out! I signed all the paperwork and waited patiently for it to be my turn. They put me in the room right next to the procedure room so while I waited there I could hear them counting the eggs they were retrieving for someone else.

Before I knew it it was my turn. They led me to the procedure room and the nurses, anesthesiologist, and embryologist all introduced themselves. They placed an IV catheter in my hand and before I knew it I was on a Fentanyl high and couldn’t be happier. Shortly after that they gave me Propofol and the next thing I remembered was waking up in my recovery room. I was on cloud 9 and never felt better. I kept thanking the nurses and telling them how wonderful they were. They reported that 11 eggs were retrieved!

I face timed Brandon in my stupor and told him I was doing great and I’d see him soon. The drugs wore off and as soon as I was able to stand and walk I met Brandon outside and we drove home. Now it was the embryologists turn to work their magic and make some beautiful embryos.

I received a call the following day with our first report: 11 eggs were retrieved, 8 were mature and 4 fertilized.

I was a little disappointed. I was hoping to be working with better numbers but hey it could be worse. I got another call 2 days later and they said we still have 4 embryos growing and my transfer would be Friday October 9th 🥳

We decided to stay in the city again because when someone offers to watch you kid for the night you take them up on that offer. Always. We went to the same restaurant for dinner because it was all I could think about. We walked back to our hotel room, watched the Bears game and went to bed. I was getting knocked up in the morning!

We woke up and got some breakfast and a few hours later I started filling up my bladder. A full bladder changes the angle of the uterus to make the transfer easier. It also helps the doctor visualize the catheter better through abdominal ultrasound. I dreaded this part. I have a very weak bladder and what feels “full” to me probably feels like nothing to other people.

Pre-embryo transfer. Drinking a giant bottle of water 😬

We arrived at my appointment an hour ahead of time as directed. Brandon gave me a kiss at the door and I was off on my own to get pregnant. Do you have any idea how weird it is getting pregnant without your husband in the room? The doctor came in to give me my embryo report and tell me about the one we would be transferring that day. He started the conversation with “well it’s kind of the same thing that happened last time.” My heart sunk. No. Please no. Please don’t tell me all the other embryos stopped growing.

They did.

My heart was shattered. I couldn’t believe this happened again. He could tell I was visibly upset as my eyes immediately began to fill with tears. He told me I still have a good shot. I still had 1 embryo left to transfer. It was graded a 3BB. My heart sunk again. Vivian was a 1AA – literally the best graded embryo you can get. He tried to assure me that this was still a good graded embryo. He told me that earlier that day he had to cancel another girl’s transfer all together because she didn’t have anything to transfer. He also has a patient who has 10 leftover embryos – no one wants 10 babies so now she’ll have to decide what to do with all those.

It put things into perspective. Yes, things could be worse. I was lucky to have something to transfer but I just couldn’t believe I went through all of this again to end up with only 1. If this doesn’t work I have to do this all over again.

I face timed Brandon and told him the news. As I cried he also assured me everything was going to be OK. The nurse came in and asked if I felt like my bladder was full. Umm heck yeah I do. She checked with the ultrasound and said no not even close 😫. She brought me in some more water and I chugged it down. Within minutes the pressure of my full bladder was absolutely horrific. I know that sounds dramatic but I couldn’t stand it. It was extremely painful. I asked them if we could get this done because I wasn’t sure how much longer I could wait.

In about 10 minutes (omg my bladder was going to explode) the room was filled with nurses and my doctor. He placed the catheter up into my uterus and the embryologist came in with my beautiful little embryo.

Immediately after it was done I ran to the bathroom. I think I peed for 5 straight minutes.

The two week wait had officially begun. The worst part of this entire process. I told myself I wouldn’t stress and I’d keep busy. The days were filled with house cleaning, a visit to the pumpkin patch with Viv, I let Viv do my makeup and hair one morning, work, etc. The days were also filled with a lot of stress and wondering. Even though I promised myself I wouldn’t worry and obsess, I did. Some nights I’d be up for hours scared it didn’t work.

Later into the week I started having some light spotting. It was extremely light. Most people probably wouldn’t of even noticed it. I was a little worried but I’ve heard of plenty of success stories where woman spot so I tried not to overthink it (🙄). I didn’t have anything the next 2 days so I was back on the “hey this could of worked” train and feeling hopeful.

That Saturday rolled around and I had to work. The spotting happened again and this time it was definitely noticeable. I cried in the bathroom and decided that I had to test when I got home. I needed to know. I couldn’t sit in this land of limbo anymore.

Immediately after I got home from work I peed on a pregnancy test. I looked at it after just seconds and saw nothing. Not even a faint second line. My heart shattered. Brandon thought I was being ridiculous considering I JUST peed on it but I knew. I knew it was fucking negative. I somehow feel like I knew from the day the embryo was transferred. I had a gut wrenching feeling it wasn’t going to work. I fell to the floor and lost it. I cried my eyes out while Brandon held me. I can’t fucking believe this. I just put my body through hell for nothing. We have no leftover embryos so it’s not like I could even look on the bright side. That’s the most expensive period I’ve ever paid for. I hate my body, I hate that this has to be so hard, and I hate that I can’t make Vivian a big sister.

I laid in bed the rest of the night and Brandon brought me all sorts of treats and goodies. I definitely coped with food that day. I was devastated, depressed and scared of what this means. Are we ever going to be able to have another child? Is Vivian ever going to get to meet her baby brother or sister?

Later in the night we all ate ice cream cones in bed and I forced a smile on my face for my girl.

I went in 2 days later for my official beta test and they called later in the day to confirm it was negative 💔 My nurse said I could start another cycle right away but I can’t. I can’t put my body through it all again. At least not now. I’m scared of how intense the medications made me feel. I didn’t feel like this during my first round of IVF. It’s hard to feel such strong side effects and then not get what you want at the end.

I need time for my body and heart to heal.

Infertility · IVF · IVF round 2 · TTC

Co-No you didn’t

September 28, 2020September 28, 2020 Toni Gabry3 Comments

It’s crazy to read my last post and think of everything that has unfolded since March. 2020 has been a legit shit show. Let’s review what has happened since then…

We didn’t go to Disneyland 😭

Covid-19 has led to a global pandemic leaving our country in a state of economical depression, record unemployment, a toilet paper shortage (yeah, still way confused over that one), and an overall state of panic across the world. We contemplated even going through with our IVF cycle in March given the current status of the world. It didn’t matter what we wanted to do because on March 17th hospitals were told to delay elective surgeries. Even if we wanted to go to through to with it, we couldn’t.

So we waited in uncertainty. Unsure when we’d be able to start, unsure if we’d even want to start given everything that was going on.

We received an email from our physician on May 11th stating that they were going to (safely and with precautions) restart IVF treatment for all patients. I was excited to hear the news knowing we weren’t in a state of limbo anymore but there was one precaution that they put in place that put us at a screeching hault.

They were not allowing spouses in for anything meaning I’d be alone at my egg retrieval, the embryo transfer, and any ultrasounds if I get pregnant 💔. I was devastated to hear this. I remember being an emotional wreck at my egg retrieval and the thought of Brandon not being there with me scared me. It also broke my heart to think he couldn’t be there to see the first ultrasound of our baby. So at this point we decided to wait. We were hoping the world was going to get back to normal by the end of the summer 🤣.

We all know that didn’t happen. I think it actually got worse 😫. We came to the decision that no matter what, policy change or not, we were going to start in September.

So as I write this today (September 28th) let me update you where we are.

I started birth control on August 29th. As I’ve mentioned before, this is the first step in my protocol to begin IVF. On September 12th I began Lupron which is the “down regulation” shots that prevents my body from prematurely ovulating during the ovarian stimulation process.

On September 21st I went in for baseline ultrasound and blood work to get the green light to start stims. Everything looked good so I was started on 375 units of Follistim and continued on the Lupron. I was instructed to take these injections for 4 nights and then return back on September 25th for a monitoring scan and blood work. The nurse called later in the day to report that they saw 4 follicles growing on the left and 1 on the right. My stomach dropped. I was hoping they were going to see more. I asked the nurse if those were good numbers and she assured me they were, we still had time for new follicles to emerge. I was instructed to start another injection called Menopur at 150 units. This one stimulates follicle production. I was to decrease the Follistim to 225 units since we added on the Menopur. Again, still continuing with the Lupron. I got off the phone and cried. I think I was just reminded that this is all so real and we’re actually going through with it. Everything happened so perfectly the first time around and I think I was going into it this time thinking it will be the same but it might not be. So I had my moment of panic and moved on. It is what it is. I was told to return Sunday the 27th for another scan. We had to go to their River North location since it fell on a weekend.

We went out the night prior to an Oktoberfest that was held at a local brewery. I decided I was actually going to drink and have a good time. The first time I did IVF I didn’t have a sip of alcohol during the whole process but this time around I’m going easy on myself. I didn’t overindulge by any means – I had a responsibly good time 😊. I had to bring my 3 shots with me and shoot up in the bathroom. I lifted up my dirndl and injected myself 3 times in the belly and returned to my friends and family to continue with the Oktoberfest celebrations.

We woke up Sunday morning and drove to Chicago for our 8:45 appointment. Everyone at that location was so sweet and helpful. The woman doing my ultrasound stated thing were growing “oh so good” and the woman that drew my blood told me a nurse would be calling later with my report.

The nurse called and reported they were now seeing 5 follicles on the left and 8 on the right 😲 13 total!! I almost asked her if she was sure she was talking about the right patient. I couldn’t believe it!! 13!? Helllll yeah!! No wonder I’ve been feeling awfully bloated and crampy.

So that’s up to date on where we stand now. I go in tomorrow morning for another scan. I’m guessing my egg retrieval will fall later in the week. Please cross your fingers and your toes for us!!

Infertility · IVF · IVF round 2 · TTC

Yeah, I’ll take your sperm

March 8, 2020September 28, 2020 Toni GabryLeave a comment

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“You want my sperm if I die?”

“Yeah I’ll take your sperm” I said nonchalantly to Brandon. We were on page what felt like 1000 of signing documents to undergo our second round of IVF.

Yep, here we go again.

We had to sign all the paper work again that decides what we will do with our leftover embryos and Brandon’s little guys. Brandon jokingly said we should leave them to someone we know if we die and not tell them. You get a car, and you get a car, and you get… our embryos.

Seems surreal to be starting this journey again in hopes of having baby #2. I told my OBGYN we were going to try “naturally” on our own and she said that was a good idea but to not give it more then 6 months. Pretty naive of me to think we could do it on our own but I really thought we could. I’ve heard plenty of success stories of second children being conceived the old fashioned way. Even right after we had Viv I remember my gynecologist telling me “We should talk about birth control. Don’t think it can’t happen naturally, I see plenty of patients who don’t have any trouble the second time around.” Listen lady my own body is my birth control, I’ll be fine.

6 months came and went with not a positive pregnancy test in sight so back to FCI we went. We went through all the same stuff we went through before – blood work, ultrasounds, semen analysis, and a saline sonogram.

We met back up with our physician on March 5th to discuss the results and the plan moving forward.

He explained how my ovaries have aged more than they should have over the last 3 years. He said my AMH (a blood test to assess a woman’s overian reserve) has dropped below normal for a 32 year old. My original diagnosis for infertility was due to ovulation dysfunction but he said that this has also probably been a contributing factor. I whispered under my breath “damnit, old ass ovaries.” I asked if this means I will go though menopause earlier than average. He said it could mean that. Yippy.

Branon’s sperm count went up. 74 million sperm. Sweet.

Bastard.

My doctor is hoping we get at least 10 eggs at my egg retrieval and 2-3 embyros.

A refresher of what we had the first time around:

doc hoped to get 10-14 egss.
we got 9
8 were mature
7 fertilized
1 perfect embyro (Vivi Pearl) and the rest didn’t make it

I so wish we were working with higher numbers this time around. But we’re not. I don’t know why the other embryos didn’t make it. The quality? Wasn’t meant to be? Who knows. I remember being absolutely devastated and heart broken when they called to tell me that all the others had stopped growing but they reminded me that it only takes one. And they were right. So I’m just trying to keep that mindset. Vivian Pearl was our “one”. Our perfect little embryo.

We explained to our doctor that we would have to wait until April to start the process due to Brandon’s intense work schedule. The egg retrieval and embryo transfer would fall during a time that he wouldn’t be able to be there. My doctor responded by saying he doesn’t technically need to be there for the egg retrieval if we have a frozen sperm sample. However he did say he encourages couple to be together for the embyro transfer since he thinks couples should be in the same room when they conceive.

Good one doc. Wonder how many times you’ve used that one.

I know Brandon doesn’t technically need to be there but I want him there. He wants to be there. That’s how we work. We’re better together.

With that said my doctor said he can manipulate the drugs to work with our schedule. So crazy. Science is cool, and weird, but also really cool. So we’ll start this month. Just like last time, I need to go on the pill first then spiral into the injections.

We leave for California in 2 weeks as a last hurrah before we start IVF round 2. I can’t wait to see Vivian’s face light up when we go to Disneyland.

IVF

Worth The Wait

June 1, 2017June 2, 2017 Toni Gabry5 Comments

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I know it has been forever since my last post and I appreciate the respect of our privacy over the last few weeks. This post is going to be a very lengthy one – I have a lot of time to make up for! But trust me, this one was worth the wait…

Friday March 24, 2017 – The day of my blood pregnancy test

The day we had our embryo transfer (March 14, 2017) we asked family and friends not to ask us the specific day we would be finding out the result of our pregnancy test. We knew that if they knew the exact day there would be pressure and questions (all meant in good faith of course) to give them an answer right away. No matter what the result were to be – positive or negative, we wanted to be able to go through whatever emotions together as a couple. It was going to be either one of two things – the best day of our lives or the worst. The day we had our embryo transfer we knew that the exact day we would be finding out would be March 24, 2017. So we had to wait a total of 10 days to find out if our little bean stuck.

10 days of grueling hell.

Let me tell you, I OBSESSED over everything, googled everything. There were days I was confident it had worked and then there were days where I knew it had not. On those days these were my thoughts:

How could it not have worked? We had a perfect embryo, why didn’t it work? Now we really need to find out what’s wrong with me. If a perfect embryo didn’t stick then nothing will.
This is just awful. Now with Brandon’s work schedule and planned vacations coming up we won’t be able to go through another round of IVF until the fall.
OK, so my insurance covers 4 rounds of IVF. We’re definitely going to exhaust all those and then what!?
Was the doctor sure he implanted it into my uterus? What if it is still left in the catheter and never made its way out?

Talk about crazy lady status. And then there were the “symptoms” or lack there of. I wasn’t experiencing any of the typical early pregnancy symptoms. If anything I was experiencing PMS symptoms. At 6 days post transfer I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and when I laid back down I had menstrual-like cramps. At 8 days post transfer the mid-night cramps were even stronger. I remember laying back down in bed and thinking this was it. It was over. I knew the next time I got up to go to the bathroom I would wipe and see blood. But I didn’t. Not even a trace of blood. Nothing. I ALWAYS spot before a period but yet there was nothing. At 9 days post transfer it was the official day that I should start my period and while this would excite a normal person that it still hadn’t come I was very skeptical. I had currently been giving myself Progesterone shots every night since the day after my egg retrieval. Progesterone is known to stop your period and it is extremely common not to get it. So while yes, the lack of period was a good sign, it did not guarantee I was pregnant. The progesterone shots could be stopping it from coming. Either way at 10 days post transfer I would find out the result and this awful game of waiting would be over. Finally. And no, I did not take any home pregnancy tests during my wait. I told myself I would enjoy being PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise). Well, if a game of high anxiety is “enjoyment” than yes that’s exactly what I did.

On the morning of Friday, March 24, 2017 I woke up and got ready to get my blood drawn for my beta HCG level (a blood pregnancy test). I don’t think I’ve ever been so nervous or had higher levels of anxiety in my life. I was absolutely sick to my stomach. I sat down in the waiting room with a room full of other woman and couples. I was sure it was written all over my face – I’M HERE FOR A PREGNANCY TEST AFTER MY FIRST ROUND OF IVF. I’M SCARED SHITLESS. I MIGHT POOP MY PANTS.

And then I heard my name get called. I don’t think I ever hated the sound of my name more. I didn’t want to hear it. It meant that they were ready to draw my blood. Blood that probably would show no levels of HCG. No marker of pregnancy.

I peeled myself out the chair I was glued to and stepped through the door down the hallway to phlebotomy. The phlebotomist (a girl I really grew to love at my clinic) asked me how I was. I replied with “nervous” and then the tears began to fall from my eyes. I wasn’t expecting it but I couldn’t stop. I immediately put my head to the ground and refused to look up as I walked down the hall. I did not want anyone to see the emotional wreck I had become. I sat down in the chair and she noticed right away. “Are you crying honey?” She embraced me with the longest, nicest, and most heart-felt hug. Something I so needed. I apologized for being a mess and thanked her for the hug. She completely understood the state I was in and wished me the best of luck. I walked out with a red face and a band-aid on my arm. Now all I had to do was wait. Wait again. Wait for my nurse to call between 1-4 and deliver the biggest news of my life.

The benefit of the day was that I am off work on Fridays. I would of been completely useless had I had to work. Brandon was at work til about 4 and told me he had not wanted me to tell him over the phone what the result was. He wanted to hear in person from me when he got home. He always calls me on his way home from work so I told him that he better not call me than cuz no matter what the result I wouldn’t be able to hide it from him.

The hours ticked by like snails. It was the longest 4 hours of my life. At 1:47pm (yes I remember the exact time) my phone rang. FCI HINSDALE flashed across my screen. OMG, HOLY SHIT, SOME ONE PUNCH ME, OR KILL ME, THIS IS FUCKING IT.

I grabbed my phone and ran outside (I didn’t want the dogs barking, see blog post “We’re Pulling the Tigger”.)

“Hello”

“Hi Toni, this is Agnes calling with results”

::::I know who it is and I know why you’re calling!!!!::::

“Hi!”

“OK so we got your result in and your beta HCG level is 273. You’re pregnant!”

I’m crying and shaking even typing this right now. I couldn’t believe it and I still can’t. I’M PREGNANT. Words I never thought I’d be able to speak.

The rest of the conversation she explained that we have to be “cautiously optimisitic”. We had to repeat two more beta levels in the following days to make sure my levels were rising appropriately and then we could move on to ultrasounds. They want to see beta levels rise by 66% over a 48 hour period.

I got off the phone with my nurse and didn’t know what to do with myself. I wanted to scream, cry, dance, kiss my dogs, set off fireworks, have a parade, rent a plane and write it in the sky – TONI GABRY IS KNOCKED UP!!!!!!

After I collected myself I fumbled through my bathroom drawer for 2 pregnancy tests. I peed the most beautiful pee on the most beautiful pee stick and saw the most beautiful two lines I’ve ever seen and the most beautiful word I’ve ever read – PREGNANT.

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I have never seen a second pink line and I sure as hell have never seen the word “pregnant” on a pregnancy test. It seems stupid that even tho I already had a confirmed blood pregnancy test that I took a urine test but you have no idea the feeling of getting a negative over and over and over again month after month. The feeling of continued let down and failure. I deserved this feeling. I deserved seeing that second pink line appear even before my pee had enough time to make it across the screen. It was one of the best feelings ever.

The next thing I did that day was run to Hobby Lobby to get baby blue and pale pink ribbon. I also picked up some balloons and got a cute little wood sign that says “we love you a ton”. I went home and put everything together. I tied the pink and blue ribbon around my belly and waited for Brandon to get home. He texted me in the mean time and asked if they called yet. My immediate reaction was to tell him that they didn’t. I was thinking that if he knew they had called that he’d start asking me questions. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to keep it a secret. So I told him that they hadn’t called yet. And what does he do? He calls me! He figured since they hadn’t called then he could call me on his way home from work to chat. I had to lie through my teeth the whole time. Lots of “yeah I can’t believe they didn’t call either”, “how rude of them to make us wait til the last minute, this is ridiculous”, I even threw in a “well I better get off the phone with you I don’t wanna miss their call.”

When he got home he came in with flowers in his hand and turned the corner to see this.

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I was standing next to the chair with a huge smile on my face and the ribbons around my belly. He just looked at me and said “NO! Really????” I shook my head yes and we both got teary eyed (Yes, Brandon YOU got teary eyed too).

We went out to dinner shortly afterward and celebrated the best news we have ever received.

March 28, 2017 (4 weeks 5 days pregnant)

I went back for my second beta draw 4 days later and my hcg level rose to 717. Proper rising times and still pregnant! One more beta draw to get through.

March 30, 2017 (5 weeks pregnant)

My third and final beta draw came back as 1,388 and I was officially done with HCG checks! The next step was our first ultrasound on April 5th.

April 5, 2017 (5 weeks 6 days pregnant)

When we went in for our ultrasound the sonographer explained that we’re just looking for a yolk sac at this point and we may or may not see a fetal pole and heart beat. She quickly found the 20170526_173505 yolk sac present but nothing else. She reassured me that that was OK and more often they DON’T see the other things. I trusted what she was saying but knew I’d feel so much better if we’d at least seen a little heart fluttering away. We scheduled our next ultrasound and if everything went like it was supposed to than we would be graduating from our fertility clinic that day.

April 17, 2017 (7 weeks 4 days pregnant)

I sat pant-less waiting for the sonographer to come back in the room while Brandon rubbed my back. He sensed how scared I was for this scan. I still had no pregnancy symptoms and was sure that something was wrong. 20170417_103624 I felt too good. I was so scared that she would scan me and find nothing. When she came back in the room and inserted my best friend “Wanda” up my hoo-ha we saw the sac right away and it was so obvious that there was now a baby in there! This beautiful tiny babe had the sweetest little flutter of a heartbeat of 146bpm! All my doubts and fears went away the instant I saw this beautiful sight and tears rolled down my cheek. Brandon grabbed my hand and we both stared in awe at what was created. Afterward we met with our doctor who hugged me and congratulated us. He went over the do’s and don’t of pregnancy and it was so surreal that we were even having this conversation. We checked out with the receptionist who gave us more hugs and well wishes and sent us with my medical records and a pregnancy magazine! I had officially graduated from the fertility center and it felt amazing. And even tho they all started to feel like family, I was so thrilled to say goodbye!

April 28, 2017 (9 weeks 1 day pregnant)

Our first appointment with our OBGYN. We were a regular ol’ knocked up couple. She gav 20170428_121159 (1) e me another ultrasound and this time baby sprout’s heart beat was beating away at 182bpm! From the looks of the ultrasound Brandon was convinced we were having a fish, not a human. Which I can’t say I blame him. Poor babe looks exactly like a fish in this ultrasound. But he/she is the most beautiful fish I’ve ever seen!

May 23, 2017 (12 weeks 5 days pregnant)

I had my NT scan at a facility outside my doctor’s office. This is where they take a little blood from your finger and test for chromosomal abnormalities. I also got an ultrasound of the baby where they take all sorts of different measurements to send in with the blood. I also got to hear my baby’s heart beat for the first time and it was music to my ears. 20170601_100843

The sonographer was SO quiet during my whole scan and looked so concentrated on the screen the whole time. She scared the shit out of me. I thought she was seeing something wrong with my baby. I asked her at the end if everything looked OK and she replied with a simple “yeah it’s a very limited scan.” Uhh what? It looked pretty involved by the look on your face. I was so upset afterward and wouldn’t find out the results for a week. Brandon called me to check how everything went and I was in tears. I told him how awful she made me feel and how scared I was they saw something abnormal. I also convinced myself I saw her take a measurement that was indicative of an abnormality and had myself all freaked out and worried. I was scheduled with my regular OBGYN 3 days later and told myself I was making them do another ultrasound to make sure everything was OK.

May 26, 2017 (13 weeks 1 day pregnant)

When we got to my doctor’s office they took me back to an exam room – the room without the ultrasound.

“I’m getting an ultrasound today, right?”

The nurse replied “no” and I explained to her that I had called and requested one. She was very nice over the whole situation and explained to me I wasn’t supposed to get one today because I just had one 3 days prior and insurance would charge me possibly thousands out-of-pocket.

Yikes, thousands?? After I thought about it I asked if she at least had a preliminary report from my ultrasound and to my delight, she did. She showed me the report and went over everything. I quickly scanned over the paper and saw that the measurement I thought I had seen the other day was not right. The fluid in the back of baby’s neck was a normal amount and at the very end of the report it read “no fetal abnormalities.”

Thank you God.

The rest of the appointment was very quick and the doctor placed the fetal doppler on my tummy so we could hear the heart beat. Brandon would be hearing it for the first time. Once again, music to our ears ♥

May 30, 2017 (13 weeks 5 days pregnant)

I got the call with my final results from the chromosome test. The nurse delivered the news that our precious baby is at low risk for any chromosomal abnormalities. I breathed a sigh of relief when I got off the phone and cried the most happiest and joyful tears.

So there you have it. A small glimpse into what the last 14 weeks have consisted of. Pregnancy has been great to me so far. I’ve had mild nausea from week 7-11 but that’s about it. I’m taking this as my present for all the shit we had to go through to get here. I will continue with updates through out my pregnancy and I continue to thank God every day for what we have been given.

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IVF

We love you already

March 18, 2017March 18, 2017 Toni Gabry3 Comments

I started to feel crappy and not myself on Saturday night. I had no appetite (which is soooo abnormal, I love food!), felt slightly nauseous, and was constipated (I would apologize for that being TMI but if you’ve been reading my blog then that’s the least of the things to apologize for!). I took it pretty easy the rest of the night – laid on the couch, went to bed early, hubby brought me soup. When I woke up I felt just as bad if not worse. I was in and out of the bathroom all morning and still no appetite what so ever. I couldn’t move out of bed without feeling weak. I couldn’t even make it to my step-grandmother’s funeral which I felt awful about but if there was ever a time to take my health seriously, it was now. I needed to take it easy and be 100% for the day of my embryo transfer. I just couldn’t snap out of it tho and my constipation turned into quite the opposite problem (gross I know, but we’ve all been there). I battled this through out the day and when Brandon came back from the funeral he laid in bed with me and took care of me (like he has been doing). I was trying to stay hydrated with Gatorade and water.

The IVF team warns you about getting OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) after your egg retrieval, so while the thought had crossed my mind that this is what it could be I knew it wasn’t. I had none of the symptoms of it. I wasn’t bloated, vomiting, didn’t have abdominal pain and I didn’t gain any weight – you gain weight with OHSS from all the retained fluid.

When I woke up Monday morning I still felt awful. I weighed myself to ensure I hadn’t gained and I found that I actually lost 7lbs since my egg retrieval. Whoa. When I saw that I lost that much weight in just 4 days I became concerned. I started to put on my scrubs to get ready to go to work but I just couldn’t do it. I still felt like a turd and once again it wasn’t worth it to push myself so I ended up calling in. I hate calling in but I wasn’t taking any chances. I emailed my nurse right away as the office wasn’t open yet. No returned call. Finally my IVF nurse called to give us our time slot for our embryo transfer and I told her what was going on and said I had not heard back from my regular nurse. She spoke with the doctor on the floor at the time and they advised me to make an appointment with my regular physician so he cold prescribe me something. They couldn’t since “it wasn’t fertility related.” The transfer was up in the air at the point. I had to be healthy enough.

Thoughts – Uhh seriously? I’m pretty sure any doctor can prescribe something for diarrhea. I was pissed. I’ve been in and out of their centers for the past 6 months but they want me to go somewhere else? Not cool. I felt like I was pushed to the side and my issues weren’t important to them. Fortunately, this is the first time I have ever felt this way when dealing with my fertility center so I let it slide.

I did what they instructed and made an appointment with my regular doctor who was luckily able to fit me in that day. He thinks I was reacting to the z-pack I was on and said I was safe to move forward with my embryo transfer tomorrow.

Thank God.

Disclaimer – Brandon suggested we stay in the city again as there was a snow storm warning in effect until the following day at 4 o’clock.

I did not want to sleep in the city again. I still wasn’t feeling 100% and wanted to sleep in my own bed.

What a mistake.

What’s usually a 30-45 minute drive took 2 hours. 2 fucking hours.

The drive consisted of a lot of “you were right” Brandon. Boy was he in his glory to hear that.

We got to our appointment about 10 minutes late but they understood due to the shit storm that was occurring outside. They brought us back to the procedure room and the embryologist came in. She gave us an update on our embryos and told us about the one they would be transfering today. She described it as a beautiful embryo with a perfect grade of 1aa – the best grade you can get. Wow. I got teary eyed. What amazing news. She then said 4 of the remaining embryos had stopped growing and 2 they would watch over night and see if they’re strong enough to freeze. She said she’d call the following day with an update. I couldn’t even get upset over losing the others after hearing the perfect one we had for transfer.

The nurse came in to check that my bladder was full enough and before I knew it the room was filled with people ready to get me pregnant. The TV on the wall flashed to an image of our embryo so we could see it before transfer. Everyone started commenting how beautiful it was. Doctor said it looked like something he’d show other patients to show them what an good embryo should look like on transfer today.

To me it looked like a blob. But it was my beautiful little blob.

After we got a picture of the embryo it quickly got sucked up into the catheter and was given to the doctor for him to do his thing. The nurse on the ultrasound machine pointed out everything on the screen for me and within seconds my little embaby was safely inside my uterus. Hopefully making itself at home and getting cozy.

The picture on the left is our little embryo and the right is our first ultrasound. There’s a very small white arrow pointing to where it is in my uterus.

Now we wait. The dreaded two week wait. One of the worst, if not the worst parts of trying to have a baby. The time where you over-analyze every little symptom or feeling your having. One day you convince yourself you’re pregnant and then next you’ve convinced yourself it definitely didn’t work and probably never will and you’re just a huge failure. Good God is this gonna be hard.

I must remember that Google is my enemy and not my friend.

Oh and we got the update on the rest of our embryos. None of them made it to freeze. I was devastated and had a sob fest when I got the news but I had to let it go. There is a little embryo inside me that needs me to remain stress-free.

I’m not sure when the next update will be but please please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I hope our little one is getting comfy and cozy for the next 9 months ♥

IVF

How do you like your eggs? Fertilized.

March 12, 2017March 12, 2017 Toni Gabry3 Comments

On Thursday March 19th I went in for my egg retrieval. The part of this journey that I have been the most anxious about. I’ll run through what this day was like.

I woke up bright and early from what wasn’t really a good night’s sleep (that was to be expected). I took a shower and put on a little bit of make-up so I didn’t completely look like a zombie post procedure. I woke up Brandon about a half hour before we were going to leave in order for him to, um, ya know do “his part”. I fetched him some coffee to give him some alone time. Yes, this is all as awkward as you’re imagining it to be. Nothing about IVF feels normal.

I tucked Brandon’s sample under my vest to keep at body temperature and we were off to the fertility center. Shortly after we got there we were brought back to the area with the recovery and procedure rooms. We started off in the recovery room where my nurse (who was awesome) took my vitals and had us sign some papers. She humored Brandon and took his blood pressure too. It was a little bit high. I think his nerves were worse than mine. After she was done she brought me a nice warm blanket and I laid in bed til they were ready for me. You’d think my anxiety and nerves would be through the roof but oddly enough I was completely calm and at peace.

A new nurse came in and said she needed me to pee and then we were off to the procedure room. I walked in the room which was filled with about 4 other people – the embryologist, the nurse, the anesthesiologist, and eventually the doctor. The anesthesiologist slapped a nasal cannula on me that delivered oxygen and within seconds placed an IV in my hand – ugh I was really hoping it wouldn’t go in my hand. I positioned my legs where they told me to do so and then I was told I would begin to feel the medicine. Last thing I remember was looking up at the clock on the wall.

When I came to I was back in my recovery room. Apparently I got there in a wheel chair which I have no recollection of. Brandon said I looked hilarious and was cracking up when they wheeled me in. He decided it was a moment that needed to be cherished and snapped a picture. What a stand-up guy! The first thing I remember hearing was I did great and I just started crying happy tears. Yes I was drugged out of my mind but at least they weren’t sad tears! I kept telling Brandon how much I loved him and told him not to let go of my hand. He was adamantly shoving crackers and water in my face. He must of been instructed to make sure I eat and drink right away. Or he just really enjoyed treating me like a drugged-out-parrot. I felt aaaamazing. Propofol is cool. I remember not feeling any pain and couldn’t believe it. I idiotically thought this was how I’d feel the rest of the day.

In my stupor I heard the nurse say something about our eggs and Brandon repeated it back to me.

“9 eggs”

9 eggs? I asked. Is that good?

Very good, replied the nurse.

OK, 9 eggs. Not bad! Now lets just get these little guys fertilized!

I started to come out of my drunken spell and they brought me to the bathroom because I had to pee before they would release me. A quick piddle in the toilet and I was back in my room slowly getting dressed. We were out of the door about 30 minutes after my procedure. And that’s when the pain kicked in. Dammit I knew that was too good to be true. While the pain wasn’t excruciating it also wasn’t mild. It was somewhere in between. Brandon got me home and settled on the couch with nurse Eden by my side. He grabbed me some food and I took some Tylenol 3. I was in and out of naps the rest of the day. We wouldn’t hear from the nurse until the following day with the update of how everything did over night.

I got the anticipated call the next day.

My nurse opened the conversation by declaring it was good news! Yes!

Out of the 9 eggs retrieved, 8 were mature, and 7 have been successfully fertilized.

7!!! Lucky number 7!!!

She said they would call again tomorrow (which is today) with another update and give us our transfer date. Ahhhh we wait again! Please please stay strong little embabies! Brandon and I were joking yesterday how it’s exhausting being parents to 7 kids. So exhausting that we were in bed by 8 o’clock. I blame it on the Tylenol with codeine, I’m not sure what Brandon’s excuse was…

Today I got the update while I was at work. I sprinted downstairs while yelling to my co-workers “I GOTTA TAKE THIS CALL!!”

Again the opening of the conversation began with “I’ve got good news!”

“You still have 7 embryos and your transfer will be a 5 day transfer so you’ll be back in on Tuesday”

We still have all 7 AND they are strong enough to make it to day 5!! What the hell, is this real life!?

Yes it is.

I probably won’t be doing too many more updates after this point because I’d like to keep the status of our pregnancy private until I’m ready to announce it – whether it be positive or negative. All I ask is that you keep us in your thoughts and prayers and keep everything crossed for us.

This might just be it!

IVF

We’re pulling the trigger!!

March 8, 2017March 12, 2017 Toni Gabry2 Comments

The last 2 days of monitoring have gone pretty well! When I went in on Monday I still had 10 follicles showing and they were ranging from 12mm-23mm. My estrogen level was 1,604!! So my body is totally doing what it needs to do and I just need to calm down. I had to do another night of stimulation shots last night at the same doses and come in the following morning for blood and ultrasound.

Of course they were super booked up and only had a 10:15 slot open so I had to leave work in the middle of surgery today (thank god for awesome co-workers who have been helping me out). The ultrasound tech did her thing and was measuring away at each beautiful looking black dot on the screen. She said things were still looking really good and I had a good number of follicles in the 20mm range. She said I’ll probably trigger tonight or tomorrow.

A trigger shot is what induces ovulation and is used as the final step before egg retrieval. It is essential that it is timed appropriately in relation to the egg retrieval – 36 hours before.

I was really hoping when my nurse called later she would say that we’d be triggering tonight. I’m so ready for this! She emailed me on my way home from work and said she’d be calling soon with instructions. Ooook? She has never emailed before telling me she’s about to call, she usually just calls. It’s gotta be happening tonight! Ahhh! I told her I was driving home from work and she asked me to call her when I got home. I couldn’t wait to get home!

When I finally got home I sat down with my planner and a pen ready to hear what to expect. I put Eden outside in case she started barking and had Janet inside (not thinking she’d make a sound).

I didn’t factor in her arch nemesis, the mail man. So as I’m on the phone with the nurse getting very specific and special instructions Janet is eating her food and then all the sudden she hears the mail slot open. Oh, shit. I’m just gonna try and paint a picture of what happened next: Janet sprinting to the couch to look out the window for evil mail person, food still in her mouth, intense barking, gasps for breath, food stuck in her throat, choking on said food, barking some more, choking, barking.

OMG can someone give me a freaking break. I just wanna hear the most important instructions I’m gonna get through this whole process in peace. Janet please shut up and stop choking. I’m gonna be such a good mom, right?

In between rubbing Janet’s throat to help her stop hacking I was able to play it cool on the phone with my nurse and gather the information I needed. Well at least the important stuff.

WE’RE TRIGGERING TONIGHT AT 10PM and we go in Thursday morning for egg retrieval in Chicago!! BAAAAA we’re sooooo excited!!! I took the obligatory before and after stimulation shots picture to compare the damage they ensued. I don’t think they caused too much bloating. It could be worse. Hopefully that belly will be getting a lot bigger in the near future anyway!

We decided to get a hotel room for tomorrow night in the city in order to help things go as smooth as possible on Thursday morning. My nurse said they prefer if Brandon gets his sample at home and not at the fertility center. I guess it’s better that way. Something with how the spermies liquify or some crap. I’m not sure exactly what she was saying – remember Janet? Anyways, we’d have to get the sample there within 2 hours and while that shouldn’t be an issue coming from our house you just never know what crazy Chicago traffic you’ll get especially during rush hour. We do not want to chance anything at this point. So if we get to be bougie for a night in Chicago than hell yeah for us.

Janet is fine by the way.

IVF

I got follicles on the brain

March 5, 2017March 8, 2017 Toni GabryLeave a comment

20170305_165535

Boy the fertility center was packed on Saturday. I looked around the room at all the different couples in the waiting room. It was so cool to see people from all walks of life – younger couples, “older” couples (“old” in fertility years. they say a woman’s success rate goes down dramatically at 35 years), same sex couples, and then us. We, fortunately, would still fit in that “younger couple” group. Anyways, there were so many people there. So many people going through the same journey as we are. Some just beginning down this infertility road and some probably nearing their end. It really gave me a sense of normalcy for once. I’m not alone. Infertility is so common. I wanted to go around to each couple or woman and pick their brain and ask them about their story. Ask them how they got here, ask them how long they’ve been trying. I wasn’t going for the crazy-lady-look tho so I kept my mouth shut but I wanted so bad to hear someone else’s journey to make me feel reassured we can do this together.

We got to our appointment a little early cuz we didn’t know how long it was going to take to get there and what the parking situation would be. This was the first monitoring appointment Brandon was able to be at and it was nice having him see what these appointments entail. They called me back for my ultrasound with a group of other woman. I told Brandon it felt like we were herding cattle. We were led to a second waiting room. A second waiting room? That’s how big the Chicago office is. So many people and so many waiting rooms. Brandon and I sat down and just as I was thinking “gee I wonder how long we’ll have to wait in this room for” I heard the nurse yell “Antonia G”. Sweet, first in line!

I laid on the exam table with my feet up in the stirrups, a position I’m oh so familiar with, and was introduced once again to my new best friend, the vaginal probe. Oh, hello old friend good to see you again.

With my nerves pulsing I quickly asked the nurse if she was still seeing 6 follicles on the right side to which she replied “I don’t know dear, I just started”. :::Ok, calm down Toni. Give her a chance to do her job:::

So I sat there while she measured and measured and Brandon was watching the screen probably wondering what the hell he was looking at. When she was done she gave us our numbers. The moment of truth.

3 on the left and 7 on the right. 10 follies ranging in size from 8.8mm-16.9mm. A good size follicle for ovulation is 18-24mm. So while I’m happy with the amount of follicles I’m still praying for them to reach a mature size. See there’s just so many things to worry about and over analyze!

When my nurse called later she informed us of the ultrasound results again and said that my estrogen was trending good at 649. “Uhh, ok is that good?” I asked her. She said that it was and my last estrogen level was 250.

So me being me I googled “estrogen levels during IVF” as soon as I got off the phone with her. I read that each mature follicle should be producing an estrogen level of 150-200.

Cue Toni freak-out-mode. Here are the thoughts running through my head:

If each follicle should be producing a level of 200 and I only have 650, does that mean I only really have 3 good follicles in there?
Why would my nurse say my estrogen is trending well? 650 sounds like a horrible number now that I’ve asked Dr Google (cue palm to face).
This IVF cycle is going to be a bust. This is all for nothing. I bet they’re not going to get even 1 good follicle. My body sucks. I can’t believe I thought it had potential to do this.
I’m definitely gonna have to do 12 more rounds of IVF to get a good number of follicles.

Yeah. I’m absolutely insane, I know. Insane is probably an understatement. Bat shit crazy? Yeah that’s more like it.

After talking myself down from my mental break-down I proceeded with my normal life. I’ve managed to take my mind off of it (at least until I go in again tomorrow for my next ultrasound/blood work appointment). Med protocol is the same for now – still 3 shots a night.

Today helped keep my mind occupied on other things. We had my niece, Lyla’s baby dedication ceremony. Here’s me feeling pretty and letting my mind be free of IVF worries. Anyone know where the bathrooms are in this place?

IVF

Stimlulation Station

March 3, 2017March 3, 2017 Toni Gabry1 Comment

February 28, 2017

So I’m currently on Day 5 of taking my stimulation shots to grow all the follicles! I’m on 225 IU of Gonal F and 5 units of Lupron. It’s been… interesting. I had a full on mood swing this weekend where I thought Brandon was literally scared of me (once again, poor guy). This morning I felt absolutely awful with nausea and stomach pains but it wore off through out the day, thank God. I can definitely feel something going on in my ovaries that’s for sure. 20170228_203217 Brandon has been helping me with my shots which makes it nice cuz we can do two at once which kinda makes it feel like it’s just one. This picture is after work on Monday night. He likes to give me the Lupron. These are the things were bonding over now-a-days!

I went in this morning for my first follicle check since starting the stim shots. I have 5 measurable follicles and 12 in the “background” waiting to grow. Whoah, if I feel swollen now how will I feel when I could potentially have 17 follicles in my ovaries. Huge, I’m guessing. When my nurse called with my numbers she said things are coming along but my doctor wants to add in Menopur to help increase the number of follicles and help them mature. The new plan is Lupron 5 units, Gonal F 150 IU, and Menopur 150 IU. 3 shots a night, yay. 20170303_115121

Holy hell does the Menopur sting. I hate it. I dread it.

I go back on Thursday, March 2nd for more monitoring to see where things are at.

March 3, 2017

Brandon and I took guesses on how many follicles would show up on my ultrasound yesterday. He guessed 9, I guessed 8. I was right, obviously. Although I wish he was, I’d take 1 more! I’m happy we have 3 more showing up since my last ultrasound but I’m just getting a little worried that we won’t make it to over 10 by the time retrieval comes. My nurse said they like to see over 10 but will go in with as little as 4 but that is a very low number. She assured me that there is still time for growth. I just need to talk myself down from the anxiety I’m feeling over only having 8 at this point. I worry way too much, I know.

I’m not experiencing too drastic of side effects right now. Definitely have a sore tummy tho. I’m running out of areas on my belly that don’t hurt or aren’t bruised. This statement has never been so true – the struggle is real.

I’m still doing 3 shots a night and I go in tomorrow for blood work and ultrasound. Since it’s a Saturday we have to go to the Chicago River North location. So tomorrow morning we’ll wake up bright and early to head downtown for our appointment at 8:45. Please, please say there are more pretty little follicles in there!

IVF

Doin shots

February 25, 2017February 25, 2017 Toni Gabry2 Comments

The past week or so hasn’t been too exciting with news to share. I guess the fact that we got to start the shots is pretty exciting in itself tho. I started the Lupron February 16th at 10 units every night. They aren’t too bad but for some reason it takes some extra effort to actually get the needle to pierce through my skin. The first night I did it I was standing there trying to push it through my skin and the needle wasn’t budging. Brandon was watching me yelling “push it in already!” to which I replied with a loud “I AM!!” What’d ya think I liked standing there with a needle poking me but not actually going through my skin?? Uhh no thank you!

So I continued with the Lupron injections everyday until they told me to come in again (which would be today, February 24th). I didn’t experience too many side effects just overall moodiness and I’ve been very bloated but this could be related to my period occurring at the same time. I’m sure it was probably the combination of the two. I’ve been making it a point to make my gym time longer during this past week because I know I can’t run anymore once the stimulation shots start. This bums me out cuz I feel like my exercise routine is the one thing I can actually have some control over. Does anyone have any suggestions on safe work-outs while going through IVF? I’d love to hear them!

Today I went in for another ultrasound/blood work appointment. My nurse just called and gave the exciting news that we can start the stimulation shots!! WOOOOHOOO!!!! Let’s start growing those eggs!! This is a huge step! The plan is to decrease the Lupron to 5 units and start the Gonal F at 225 units for the next 4 nights until I go in again for ultrasound and bloodwork on February 28th.

If I thought I was bloated before I wonder how I’ll feel once my body starts growing all these precious eggs.

But hey, it will all be worth it! Right?

my barren land

a gabry girl still living in a barren world

Tag: TTC