Infertility · IVF · IVF round 2 · TTC

Just heartbroken.

Since my last post lot has happened. I’ll start from where I left off last time. I went in for a few more scans and they ended up seeing a total of 17 eggs. I knew all of these were not completely mature and they’d end up retrieving less than this but I was so hopeful that we were looking at retrieving a decent amount. I triggered on Friday October 2nd and my egg retrieval was scheduled for Sunday October 4th. We stayed the night in the city on that Saturday and enjoyed an amazing dinner out together.

We woke up Sunday morning and drove to the FCI location in River North. I was so sad that Brandon couldn’t be there with me and I was scared to go under anesthesia without anyone there when I woke up but there was nothing I could do about it and these eggs needed to get out! I signed all the paperwork and waited patiently for it to be my turn. They put me in the room right next to the procedure room so while I waited there I could hear them counting the eggs they were retrieving for someone else.

Before I knew it it was my turn. They led me to the procedure room and the nurses, anesthesiologist, and embryologist all introduced themselves. They placed an IV catheter in my hand and before I knew it I was on a Fentanyl high and couldn’t be happier. Shortly after that they gave me Propofol and the next thing I remembered was waking up in my recovery room. I was on cloud 9 and never felt better. I kept thanking the nurses and telling them how wonderful they were. They reported that 11 eggs were retrieved!

I face timed Brandon in my stupor and told him I was doing great and I’d see him soon. The drugs wore off and as soon as I was able to stand and walk I met Brandon outside and we drove home. Now it was the embryologists turn to work their magic and make some beautiful embryos.

I received a call the following day with our first report: 11 eggs were retrieved, 8 were mature and 4 fertilized.

I was a little disappointed. I was hoping to be working with better numbers but hey it could be worse. I got another call 2 days later and they said we still have 4 embryos growing and my transfer would be Friday October 9th ūü•≥

We decided to stay in the city again because when someone offers to watch you kid for the night you take them up on that offer. Always. We went to the same restaurant for dinner because it was all I could think about. We walked back to our hotel room, watched the Bears game and went to bed. I was getting knocked up in the morning!

We woke up and got some breakfast and a few hours later I started filling up my bladder. A full bladder changes the angle of the uterus to make the transfer easier. It also helps the doctor visualize the catheter better through abdominal ultrasound. I dreaded this part. I have a very weak bladder and what feels “full” to me probably feels like nothing to other people.

We arrived at my appointment an hour ahead of time as directed. Brandon gave me a kiss at the door and I was off on my own to get pregnant. Do you have any idea how weird it is getting pregnant without your husband in the room? The doctor came in to give me my embryo report and tell me about the one we would be transferring that day. He started the conversation with “well it’s kind of the same thing that happened last time.” My heart sunk. No. Please no. Please don’t tell me all the other embryos stopped growing.

They did.

My heart was shattered. I couldn’t believe this happened again. He could tell I was visibly upset as my eyes immediately began to fill with tears. He told me I still have a good shot. I still had 1 embryo left to transfer. It was graded a 3BB. My heart sunk again. Vivian was a 1AA – literally the best graded embryo you can get. He tried to assure me that this was still a good graded embryo. He told me that earlier that day he had to cancel another girl’s transfer all together because she didn’t have anything to transfer. He also has a patient who has 10 leftover embryos – no one wants 10 babies so now she’ll have to decide what to do with all those.

It put things into perspective. Yes, things could be worse. I was lucky to have something to transfer but I just couldn’t believe I went through all of this again to end up with only 1. If this doesn’t work I have to do this all over again.

I face timed Brandon and told him the news. As I cried he also assured me everything was going to be OK. The nurse came in and asked if I felt like my bladder was full. Umm heck yeah I do. She checked with the ultrasound and said no not even close ūüėę. She brought me in some more water and I chugged it down. Within minutes the pressure of my full bladder was absolutely horrific. I know that sounds dramatic but I couldn’t stand it. It was extremely painful. I asked them if we could get this done because I wasn’t sure how much longer I could wait.

In about 10 minutes (omg my bladder was going to explode) the room was filled with nurses and my doctor. He placed the catheter up into my uterus and the embryologist came in with my beautiful little embryo.

Immediately after it was done I ran to the bathroom. I think I peed for 5 straight minutes.

The two week wait had officially begun. The worst part of this entire process. I told myself I wouldn’t stress and I’d keep busy. The days were filled with house cleaning, a visit to the pumpkin patch with Viv, I let Viv do my makeup and hair one morning, work, etc. The days were also filled with a lot of stress and wondering. Even though I promised myself I wouldn’t worry and obsess, I did. Some nights I’d be up for hours scared it didn’t work.

Later into the week I started having some light spotting. It was extremely light. Most people probably wouldn’t of even noticed it. I was a little worried but I’ve heard of plenty of success stories where woman spot so I tried not to overthink it (ūüôĄ). I didn’t have anything the next 2 days so I was back on the “hey this could of worked” train and feeling hopeful.

That Saturday rolled around and I had to work. The spotting happened again and this time it was definitely noticeable. I cried in the bathroom and decided that I had to test when I got home. I needed to know. I couldn’t sit in this land of limbo anymore.

Immediately after I got home from work I peed on a pregnancy test. I looked at it after just seconds and saw nothing. Not even a faint second line. My heart shattered. Brandon thought I was being ridiculous considering I JUST peed on it but I knew. I knew it was fucking negative. I somehow feel like I knew from the day the embryo was transferred. I had a gut wrenching feeling it wasn’t going to work. I fell to the floor and lost it. I cried my eyes out while Brandon held me. I can’t fucking believe this. I just put my body through hell for nothing. We have no leftover embryos so it’s not like I could even look on the bright side. That’s the most expensive period I’ve ever paid for. I hate my body, I hate that this has to be so hard, and I hate that I can’t make Vivian a big sister.

I laid in bed the rest of the night and Brandon brought me all sorts of treats and goodies. I definitely coped with food that day. I was devastated, depressed and scared of what this means. Are we ever going to be able to have another child? Is Vivian ever going to get to meet her baby brother or sister?

Later in the night we all ate ice cream cones in bed and I forced a smile on my face for my girl.

I went in 2 days later for my official beta test and they called later in the day to confirm it was negative ūüíĒ My nurse said I could start another cycle right away but I can’t. I can’t put my body through it all again. At least not now. I’m scared of how intense the medications made me feel. I didn’t feel like this during my first round of IVF. It’s hard to feel such strong side effects and then not get what you want at the end.

I need time for my body and heart to heal.

IUI

iui #1

Our first IUI was on November 18, 2016

The 2 weeks leading to the actual procedure were not as scary as I thought they’d be. ¬†The injections of Follistim that went in my tummy weren’t all that bad. ¬†Sure they stung a little going in and it took some self-convincing to poke myself but after it was all said and done it was easy breezy. ¬†The nurses and doctor monitored my follicles and blood levels and would call me each night to direct me how on how much Follistim I should be giving myself. ¬†This cycle I ended up administering 75 units for 5 straight days. ¬†The idea was to produce 1-4 follicles each time that were big enough to potentially produce a healthy egg (ah-ha that paperwork on multiples made sense now). ¬†This is where IUI’s and IVF differ. ¬†The idea with an IUI is to control the amount of follicles produced to a small number whereas with IVF they want you to make as many follicles as possible with the idea of making a lot of embryos. ¬†IUI has a higher chance of multiples because they can’t control how many of the eggs would be fertilized and IVF they know exactly how many embryos they are transferring back into the woman. ¬†It sounds confusing if you don’t live in an infertile world. ¬†Here is a basic explanation of what the difference is.

I ended up making 3 good size follicles during this cycle. ¬†And… NOW WE’RE PREGNANT WITH TRIPLETS!

Just kidding

3 follicles was a great outcome for someone who was struggling to produce 1. ¬†When the doctor got the result from my ultrasound that these follicles were the appropriate size he decided it was time to induce ovulation with an injection of HCG, yay another shot! This injection was a lot more intimidating. ¬†The needle is scary big and you inject it in your butt muscle but I had to do what I had to do. ¬†Acutally I didn’t do it at all. ¬†I knew that there was no way in hell I could psych myself into injecting myself with this huge needle. ¬†So I did what any normal person would do and asked my friends at work if they’d give it to me. ¬†Thank God I work in a place where we give multiple injections a day so this stuff is second nature to us. ¬†My good friend (and co-worker) Ashley volunteered and it still makes me so happy and honored that I have friends like her who are more than willing to help me with weird infertility shit. ¬†I was so brave tho. NOT. I fa-reaked my shit out. ¬†I like to believe I’m a pretty strong person and a lot doesn’t scare me but something came over me right before Ash injected me. ¬†I had a full on panic attack. ¬†I started sweating and crying. ¬†Honestly I don’t think it was just because the size and look of this needle. ¬†I think it was a combination of this and all the emotions I was feeling. ¬†All the hormones I had been injecting into myself probably didn’t help either. ¬†Either way I was not in a good place. ¬†My other friend at work let me hold his hand while Ashley stabbed my ass. ¬†I think I squeezed and dug my nails into his as hard as I could. ¬†I hyped this up to be the worst experience of my life.

I barely felt a thing.

This video still makes me cringe. ¬†The pathetic whiny sound in my voice, ba gross. ¬†What a baby I was. ¬†I honestly would rather do these shots then the tummy shots any day. ¬†That’s how painless it was.

I went in the following day to officially be inseminated.  Our appointment was really early in the morning.  Poor Brandon had to wake up ready to go and ready to produce his sample.  Ah, how awkward this all was for everyone involved.

We showed up an hour before the procedure in order for them to do the “sperm washing”. ¬†Again, I know, so weird. ¬†But this is the world we live in now! ¬†This process weeds out the weak, slow, or abnormal swimmers and leaves us with a concentration of the best of the best. ¬†After the “washing” they tell you the numbers you’re left with and how they compare with what is ideal. ¬†A good number is above 10 million, we had 17 million. ¬†The motility they want to see over 50% and I think we had it in the 70’s (can’t remember exactly). ¬†So we were working with some good little guys. ¬†Yes! One more thing that was helping us towards making a baby! ¬† To put it all together we were working with Brandon’s great swimmers and my 3 follicles. ¬†Good odds in scheme of things. ¬†Remember all it takes is 1 sperm and 1 egg.

The insemination wasn’t too bad. ¬†Some mild discomfort but nothing awful. ¬†I was told to come back in 1 week for a progesterone check to make sure I ovulated and a week after that for a blood pregnancy test. ¬†We were going on a mini vacation to Michigan the day we would have to get the pregnancy test so we scheduled it in the morning before we got on the road.

The TWW (two week wait) is always the worst.  This is the period where I over analyzed every little thing.  Every thing I felt I wondered if it could be a symptom of pregnancy. In the mean time, the nurse called with the good news that my progesterone was consistent with ovulation.  Yay!

And then the morning came where I began to spot. ¬†I knew it was over and it hadn’t worked. ¬†I remember calling Brandon and telling him on my way to work. ¬†He is the sweetest man in the world every month we go through this. ¬†He always tries to tell me I could still be pregnant. ¬†Well, after trying for this many months I knew that my body was telling me it wasn’t going to happen this time. ¬†I began to hate that he’d tell me this. ¬†Believe me I know he was just trying to stay positive and help and keep the faith but it was harder for me that he just wouldn’t accept that it wasn’t happening this month. ¬†It was like a false hope he would give me when in reality I knew it wasn’t going to happen. ¬†I remember this was the first month where I finally told him to stop saying things like that and that it only made it worse for me. ¬†He understood. ¬†I went home from work that day and skipped the gym to take a nap, I needed it. ¬†When I woke up, the reality of what happened hit me. ¬†Brandon still wasn’t home from work and I remember feeling so alone. ¬†I started to sob uncontrollably. ¬†That kinda cry where you can’t catch your breath. ¬†I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself I was a failure and my body sucked. ¬†I was a in a really low place. ¬†I hated myself. ¬†I hated that I had no control over what was going on.

Like I said before Рwe went in for the pregnancy test right before getting on the road to Michigan.  They would call me later in the day with the result.  I knew what the result would be anyway but when my nurse called and confirmed it was negative it broke my heart.  Unless you have gone down this road you have no idea the heartbreak that comes on this journey.  You hope and pray each month that this will be it.  This month was a lot different than all the others months we tried to have a baby.  It was harder to accept the negative result with all the assisted help we got this month.  The clomid, the shots, the blood work, the ultrasounds, the IUI Рall of it for nothing.  It was a huge blow to my confidence.  For the first time on this journey I had a thought I never had before.  I thought this might never happen.