Infertility · IVF · IVF round 2 · TTC

Yeah, I’ll take your sperm

img_20200308_112636

 

“You want my sperm if I die?”

“Yeah I’ll take your sperm” I said nonchalantly to Brandon.  We were on page what felt like 1000 of signing documents to undergo our second round of IVF.

Yep, here we go again.

We had to sign all the paper work again that decides what we will do with our leftover embryos and Brandon’s little guys.  Brandon jokingly said we should leave them to someone we know if we die and not tell them.  You get a car, and you get a car, and you get… our embryos.

Seems surreal to be starting this journey again in hopes of having baby #2.  I told my OBGYN we were going to try “naturally” on our own and she said that was a good idea but to not give it more then 6 months.  Pretty naive of me to think we could do it on our own but I really thought we could.  I’ve heard plenty of success stories of second children being conceived the old fashioned way.  Even right after we had Viv I remember my gynecologist telling me “We should talk about birth control.  Don’t think it can’t happen naturally, I see plenty of patients who don’t have any trouble the second time around.”  Listen lady my own body is my birth control, I’ll be fine.

6 months came and went with not a positive pregnancy test in sight so back to FCI we went.  We went through all the same stuff we went through before – blood work, ultrasounds, semen analysis, and a saline sonogram.

We met back up with our physician on March 5th to discuss the results and the plan moving forward.

He explained how my ovaries have aged more than they should have over the last 3 years.  He said my AMH (a blood test to assess a woman’s overian reserve) has dropped below normal for a 32 year old.  My original diagnosis for infertility was due to ovulation dysfunction but he said that this has also probably been a contributing factor.  I whispered under my breath “damnit, old ass ovaries.”  I asked if this means I will go though menopause earlier than average.  He said it could mean that.  Yippy.

Branon’s sperm count went up.  74 million sperm.  Sweet.

Bastard.

My doctor is hoping we get at least 10 eggs at my egg retrieval and 2-3 embyros.

A refresher of what we had the first time around:

  • doc hoped to get 10-14 egss.
  • we got 9
  • 8 were mature
  • 7 fertilized
  • 1 perfect embyro (Vivi Pearl) and the rest didn’t make it

I so wish we were working with higher numbers this time around.  But we’re not.  I don’t know why the other embryos didn’t make it. The quality? Wasn’t meant to be? Who knows.  I remember being absolutely devastated and heart broken when they called to tell me that all the others had stopped growing but they reminded me that it only takes one.  And they were right.  So I’m just trying to keep that mindset.  Vivian Pearl was our “one”. Our perfect little embryo.

We explained to our doctor that we would have to wait until April to start the process due to Brandon’s intense work schedule.  The egg retrieval and embryo transfer would fall during a time that he wouldn’t be able to be there.  My doctor responded by saying he doesn’t technically need to be there for the egg retrieval if we have a frozen sperm sample.  However he did say he encourages couple to be together for the embyro transfer since he thinks couples should be in the same room when they conceive.

Good one doc.  Wonder how many times you’ve used that one.

I know Brandon doesn’t technically need to be there but I want him there.  He wants to be there.  That’s how we work.  We’re better together.

With that said my doctor said he can manipulate the drugs to work with our schedule.  So crazy.  Science is cool,  and weird, but also really cool.  So we’ll start this month.  Just like last time, I need to go on the pill first then spiral into the injections.

We leave for California in 2 weeks as a last hurrah before we start IVF round 2.  I can’t wait to see Vivian’s face light up when we go to Disneyland.

Infertility · TTC

the story of us and our infertility

The story of Brandon and I began on a Wednesday night in December of 2009.  We met at an open mic night (no, neither of us were participants and if you heard either of us sing you’d know why).  I would refer to Brandon that night as the “guy in the yellow shirt” because after a slew of drinks that’s all I could really remember him as 🙂 He likes to tell people he approached me first and even slid me a beer down the bar that I caught in my hand — what probably actually happened was friends brought us together because they were sick of us staring at each other from across the bar all the night and the beer bottle definitely ended up on the floor or knocked over cuz there ain’t no way in hell I was coherent enough to catch it in my hand.  I won’t go into detail about the rest of the night (you’re welcome) but let’s just say we were inseparable ever since.

10639550_10101221874635607_1974834945476759000_n

We got married on September 20, 2014.  It was and still is the best day of my life.  I went from Antonia Barren to Antonia Gabry.  Wow, the irony of my maiden name.  Barren.  God was either sending me a sign of what was to come or playing a cruel joke on me.  For 27 years I was a Barren and it wasn’t until I became a Gabry to realize I was actually still barren.  Get what I’m saying?

There’s a lot of you reading right now who have absolutely no idea what we have been going through and that’s ok.  It was our secret to keep and it’s also our secret to tell, anyway we want to — whether it be in private conversation, email, text, or a blog.  I honestly didn’t want anyone to know for a long time.  The journey of infertility really shows you the dumb shit people can say or the things people say that they think will help but in reality you wish they’d never open their mouths again when it came to this topic.  I think I can write a whole post on the number of things people have said to me that would make you go – Are you fucking serious???

So why in the world am I writing a blog? Because I want to.  Because this is how I would like people to know.  Because this is how I can cope and get through it.  This is our reality.  Yeah, I could easily not say anything and keep it to myself but the truth of the matter is that 1 in 8 couples suffer from infertility.  The first thing I did while going through this journey is read infertility blogs because it made me feel normal (whatever that is, right?).  It felt so reassuring to see that couple who have been struggling for years to finally have their family, or the girl going through rounds and rounds of IVF but still no baby, or the family who decided to adopt, etc.  If I can help one person relate by writing this blog than I did my job.  Let me get a few things straight tho.  This blog does not open the doors for anyone to discourage me or bring me down.  It does not give you permission to sit behind your computer and type negative or rude comments.  These are the last things I need right now so please, to put it simply, just be nice.  This is our infertility story and this is how we’re telling it.

Brandon and I started to try for a family in September of 2015.  Each month I would hope that this would be our time and would obsess over every little symptom  I thought I had.  What a sick joke that PMS symptoms mimic pregnancy symptoms.  I would google everything looking for someone who had a similar story.  It was a roller coaster ride of grief and disappointment with each cycle that came and went.  As each month passed with a negative pregnancy test it started to become clear that something was wrong.  I’ll be honest, before we started trying I was completely oblivious to the regularity of my cycles.  I couldn’t tell you how far apart they were of how long they lasted.  I didn’t care.  I had no reason to pay that close attention.  I quickly learned how important it was to become mindful of how my body was functioning.  After monitoring for a few months I realized this was something that wasn’t going to happen on our own.  We needed medical help.