Infertility · IVF · IVF round 2 · TTC

Just heartbroken.

Since my last post lot has happened. I’ll start from where I left off last time. I went in for a few more scans and they ended up seeing a total of 17 eggs. I knew all of these were not completely mature and they’d end up retrieving less than this but I was so hopeful that we were looking at retrieving a decent amount. I triggered on Friday October 2nd and my egg retrieval was scheduled for Sunday October 4th. We stayed the night in the city on that Saturday and enjoyed an amazing dinner out together.

We woke up Sunday morning and drove to the FCI location in River North. I was so sad that Brandon couldn’t be there with me and I was scared to go under anesthesia without anyone there when I woke up but there was nothing I could do about it and these eggs needed to get out! I signed all the paperwork and waited patiently for it to be my turn. They put me in the room right next to the procedure room so while I waited there I could hear them counting the eggs they were retrieving for someone else.

Before I knew it it was my turn. They led me to the procedure room and the nurses, anesthesiologist, and embryologist all introduced themselves. They placed an IV catheter in my hand and before I knew it I was on a Fentanyl high and couldn’t be happier. Shortly after that they gave me Propofol and the next thing I remembered was waking up in my recovery room. I was on cloud 9 and never felt better. I kept thanking the nurses and telling them how wonderful they were. They reported that 11 eggs were retrieved!

I face timed Brandon in my stupor and told him I was doing great and I’d see him soon. The drugs wore off and as soon as I was able to stand and walk I met Brandon outside and we drove home. Now it was the embryologists turn to work their magic and make some beautiful embryos.

I received a call the following day with our first report: 11 eggs were retrieved, 8 were mature and 4 fertilized.

I was a little disappointed. I was hoping to be working with better numbers but hey it could be worse. I got another call 2 days later and they said we still have 4 embryos growing and my transfer would be Friday October 9th 🥳

We decided to stay in the city again because when someone offers to watch you kid for the night you take them up on that offer. Always. We went to the same restaurant for dinner because it was all I could think about. We walked back to our hotel room, watched the Bears game and went to bed. I was getting knocked up in the morning!

We woke up and got some breakfast and a few hours later I started filling up my bladder. A full bladder changes the angle of the uterus to make the transfer easier. It also helps the doctor visualize the catheter better through abdominal ultrasound. I dreaded this part. I have a very weak bladder and what feels “full” to me probably feels like nothing to other people.

We arrived at my appointment an hour ahead of time as directed. Brandon gave me a kiss at the door and I was off on my own to get pregnant. Do you have any idea how weird it is getting pregnant without your husband in the room? The doctor came in to give me my embryo report and tell me about the one we would be transferring that day. He started the conversation with “well it’s kind of the same thing that happened last time.” My heart sunk. No. Please no. Please don’t tell me all the other embryos stopped growing.

They did.

My heart was shattered. I couldn’t believe this happened again. He could tell I was visibly upset as my eyes immediately began to fill with tears. He told me I still have a good shot. I still had 1 embryo left to transfer. It was graded a 3BB. My heart sunk again. Vivian was a 1AA – literally the best graded embryo you can get. He tried to assure me that this was still a good graded embryo. He told me that earlier that day he had to cancel another girl’s transfer all together because she didn’t have anything to transfer. He also has a patient who has 10 leftover embryos – no one wants 10 babies so now she’ll have to decide what to do with all those.

It put things into perspective. Yes, things could be worse. I was lucky to have something to transfer but I just couldn’t believe I went through all of this again to end up with only 1. If this doesn’t work I have to do this all over again.

I face timed Brandon and told him the news. As I cried he also assured me everything was going to be OK. The nurse came in and asked if I felt like my bladder was full. Umm heck yeah I do. She checked with the ultrasound and said no not even close 😫. She brought me in some more water and I chugged it down. Within minutes the pressure of my full bladder was absolutely horrific. I know that sounds dramatic but I couldn’t stand it. It was extremely painful. I asked them if we could get this done because I wasn’t sure how much longer I could wait.

In about 10 minutes (omg my bladder was going to explode) the room was filled with nurses and my doctor. He placed the catheter up into my uterus and the embryologist came in with my beautiful little embryo.

Immediately after it was done I ran to the bathroom. I think I peed for 5 straight minutes.

The two week wait had officially begun. The worst part of this entire process. I told myself I wouldn’t stress and I’d keep busy. The days were filled with house cleaning, a visit to the pumpkin patch with Viv, I let Viv do my makeup and hair one morning, work, etc. The days were also filled with a lot of stress and wondering. Even though I promised myself I wouldn’t worry and obsess, I did. Some nights I’d be up for hours scared it didn’t work.

Later into the week I started having some light spotting. It was extremely light. Most people probably wouldn’t of even noticed it. I was a little worried but I’ve heard of plenty of success stories where woman spot so I tried not to overthink it (🙄). I didn’t have anything the next 2 days so I was back on the “hey this could of worked” train and feeling hopeful.

That Saturday rolled around and I had to work. The spotting happened again and this time it was definitely noticeable. I cried in the bathroom and decided that I had to test when I got home. I needed to know. I couldn’t sit in this land of limbo anymore.

Immediately after I got home from work I peed on a pregnancy test. I looked at it after just seconds and saw nothing. Not even a faint second line. My heart shattered. Brandon thought I was being ridiculous considering I JUST peed on it but I knew. I knew it was fucking negative. I somehow feel like I knew from the day the embryo was transferred. I had a gut wrenching feeling it wasn’t going to work. I fell to the floor and lost it. I cried my eyes out while Brandon held me. I can’t fucking believe this. I just put my body through hell for nothing. We have no leftover embryos so it’s not like I could even look on the bright side. That’s the most expensive period I’ve ever paid for. I hate my body, I hate that this has to be so hard, and I hate that I can’t make Vivian a big sister.

I laid in bed the rest of the night and Brandon brought me all sorts of treats and goodies. I definitely coped with food that day. I was devastated, depressed and scared of what this means. Are we ever going to be able to have another child? Is Vivian ever going to get to meet her baby brother or sister?

Later in the night we all ate ice cream cones in bed and I forced a smile on my face for my girl.

I went in 2 days later for my official beta test and they called later in the day to confirm it was negative 💔 My nurse said I could start another cycle right away but I can’t. I can’t put my body through it all again. At least not now. I’m scared of how intense the medications made me feel. I didn’t feel like this during my first round of IVF. It’s hard to feel such strong side effects and then not get what you want at the end.

I need time for my body and heart to heal.

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